How to Officiate a Friend’s Wedding Ceremony

So, you’ve been asked to officiate your friend’s wedding ceremony – what an honour! As chuffed as you must be, officiating your friend’s wedding ceremony is a rather daunting task.

The best ceremonies are personal, heartfelt and fun. This is a hard balance to get right. I’m here to help you. From here on out, I will mostly refer to you as a celebrant or newbie celebrant because that’s what you’re about to become. Let’s begin.

What qualifies me to give you advice?

Well, for starters, I’ve lead hundreds of wedding ceremonies. I’ve also listened to a lot of wedding ceremonies: I’m also a photographer bringing me in earshot of beautiful ceremonies and I sometimes handle the legal side of a marriage only, affording me time to sit and listen.

What inspired me to become a celebrant? I officiated a friend’s wedding ceremony. And then another and another. And then I looked into becoming registered so I could sort out the legal side too. If you’d like to find out a little more about me, you can have a look here.

You may have guessed it, that’s me in the red dress. I happen to be officiating a wedding ceremony for a friend. I now have shorter hair and I’ve got a weird ombre brunette/blonde thing going on but I hope this hasn’t changed: That I still look at my couples with such delight.

The brief given to you by the couple

My first tip: Take officiating your friend’s wedding ceremony seriously. Perhaps the biggest mistake I’ve seen made is that the family member or friend is too casual in their preparation and too casual in their delivery. Ultimately, the wedding ceremony is the crux of the day – why everyone is gathered and why they’ve travelled far to be there. This matters. Also, most poeple don’t expect much from the ceremony – they usually anticipate being bored and drifting off. Surprise them!

Often the couple themselves aren’t sure what they’re looking for in a wedding ceremony. All they know is they don’t want a traditional wedding ceremony and they don’t want it to feel too stiff and they’re not about to trust a priest that they don’t know to lead such an important moment in their lives. In essence, couples instructions to you – the celebrant – are vague. “I dunno… maybe a poem, some nice words, vows, a ring exchange…” I mean even that is a lot more than some newbie celebrants are given.

With a vague brief and a task you’ve never seen executed particularly well, officiating a friend’s wedding ceremony becomes (after the initial honour has worn off) a bit of a hospital pass. It doesn’t have to be. I’m here to help you craft a ceremony that is deeply personal to the couple and also unique to you and your way in the world. They chose you for a reason.

Don’t reinvent the wheel

The good news is there is no need to start from scratch when it comes to a ceremony script. There are certain touchstones in a ceremony that you should hit because without them the ceremony feels a little flat. For example, the classic “I do”s. Sure, you don’t have the legal authority to make it official. That doesn’t mean your ceremony shouldn’t include the line, “Do you Jack take Jill to be your wife?” Other ceremony cornerstones include a welcome, the vows, a ring exchange and a pronouncement. Beautiful wording already exists for each of these sections of a wedding ceremony. Don’t waste energy trying to write everything anew. That’s not where your energy needs to go.

Making the ceremony your own

Weave your personal flare, knowledge of the couple and the couple’s unique story into the ceremony. To do this, it’s easiest to start from a base. You can email me on marriageofficerlara@gmail.com if you’d like me to send you a ceremony script, questions to send to the couple as well as readings for them to choose from. I also have some readings you can look through on my blog. Once you have all this, you’ll be able to use your time wisely to weave in details and anecdotes into the ceremony.

Now, when I encourage you to make the ceremony your own what I really mean is make it their own (as in the couple’s). One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received is from my dad (who is a keynote speaker). He said that when saying a speech about someone, you should continually ask yourself if you’re included this element because it makes you look good (funny, smart, witty) or because it makes that person look good. If you have this for your benchmark, I don’t think you can go wrong.

Ceremonies within the ceremony

Simple wedding ceremonies are often the most beautiful and meaningful. Some couples – especially those that are doing away with more traditional elements of wedding ceremonies – want to create gravitas by including rituals or symbolic traditions in their ceremony. Perhaps the most well-known example of these is unity ceremonies. The most leant on is a candle ritual. There are two long thin candles representing each family (or each partner, depending on what you want to emphasize). A member of each family can come up (perhaps the moms) to light the candles (it’s always nice to look for ways to include loved ones). Each partner can then take a candle each and light a third pillar candle which symbolises that they have created another family as a result of their union.

(FYI I’d only attempt a candle ceremony if you’re officiating inside.)

Other rituals that invite loved one to be a part of the ceremony include a ring warming ceremony or a handfasting ceremony. I’m happy to walk you through these and other options if you’d like some guidance on any of them.

Let’s talk logistics

One of the most common mistakes I’ve seen made when a family member or friend is asked to officiate a friend’s wedding ceremony is that they don’t think of the logistics. You’d be surprised how often the celebrant forgets to tell everyone to sit down after the bride or groom or couple have made their entrance. The result (at least in South Africa) is that the congregation (for want of a better word) aren’t sure what to do and out of politeness they remain standing for the full duration of the ceremony.

Other factors that newbie celebrants often don’t consider: Talking to the couple about how the ceremony will start and end; how the couple will stand and how to make the ceremony not feel too static or rigid; what the wedding party will do once the ceremony begins; what to do with the boutique if there is a boutique; and vows (how to guide a couple if they choose to say personal vows).

A Last Word on How to Officiate a Friend’s Wedding Ceremony

I’ve talked a number of newbie celebrants through officiating their first wedding. In fact I’ve done it so many times now that I have created a guide for newbie celebrants. I also offer consultant, scripts, readings and ideas to make the ceremony special and personal. Pop me an email marriageofficerlara@gmail.com and we can figure out what you need – whether a 30 min call – or a script to get you started and feeling more confident about leading your first wedding ceremony.