Always forgive me, and I promise I’ll always forgive you

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Read and then sleep. The combination usually works for me. Not last night though. Last night I got stuck into a new book and I couldn’t stop reading. At one point I was laughing in the darkness, trying not to wake Kit. At another, wiping tears from my eyes.

My mom is the same with books. She told me that when my brother and I were little, she had to stop reading for a time because she’d get so enraptured in novels that she wouldn’t do anything else.

I’ve witnesses this book befokedness many times.

During my law articles in Joburg, my parents lived a couple of kilometers up the road. My mom had a self-imposed rule that she would never visit the flat when I wasn’t there (she had access to it). One day at work, I looked at my phone to see I had three voice messages from my mom. The first one, calm – my mom asking me where the second Hunger Games book was. The second almost immediately after the first telling me that when I got home, she wanted to come fetch the second book. And a third telling me that she could no longer wait (about a minute had passed since the second voice message) – she was going to the flat to get the book.

The same thing happened with Twilight. (For the record, we do read other more acclaimed books but these are the most extreme examples of book befokedness). That is to say, I hear you judging us for reading Twilight – fine, I can take it. My mom actually did judge me as I made my way through the series. She told me, more than once, that I should read better books and she didn’t know why I was wasting my time. Then she made the mistake of picking one up. She did not put them down. She started one of the books at 2am. She read while she ate dinner. She could not hold a conversation until the books were done. And after she had smashed all four, she said they weren’t very good. But you have to admit, those books had something.

This is to say, I’m book befoked. Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. Just so beautiful.

At around 1am, I made a note in the book, highlighting this paragraph:

“‘Promise me, that no matter what happens, no matter what dumb thing we supposedly perpetrate on each other, we won’t ever go six years without talking to each other. Promise me you’ll always forgive me, and I promise I’ll always forgive you.’ These, of course, are the kinds of vows young people feel comfortable making when they have no idea what life has in store for them.”

I’m going to read and sleep now.

Photograph of the day: Speaking of vows, Marcel and Pieter exchanged theirs this evening in their home, marking their 10th anniversary with a wedding. Here’s a pic I took on my phone just before the ceremony. In case you can’t read the sign – it says: It was always you.

 

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No frills

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This morning I held a ceremony for a couple in their lounge. I thought they had cleared their lounge for the ceremony because it was so simple and beautiful, with an arch and views of over Green Point and the sea, but they said that they were still going to get furniture. The bride’s sister pressed record on the camera on the tripod. After the ceremony, the bride’s mom took photographs, which she said she hoped were okay.

There are quite a lot of couples that say they want a no frills wedding. I completely get it that and I’m part of celebrations like that every week. This couple was different though. They had frills but only the exact frills they considered important: The arch, the flowers, the dress, the veil and linen suit. And then they had the essentials: the venue (their first home together), their family, and each other – that most of all.

When I got to my car, Jess had messaged to say that Kit had fallen and that she was okay but that she had a graze on her nose and forehead.

Later, at bath time, I asked Jess, “Were you worried about what I’d say about Kit’s face?”

“No because I was so nice to you about her falling off the bed.”

Photograph of the day: The oak tree above our backyard in the wind. Today the wind made us feel like we had very few options for an afternoon activity. We could go to the Aquarium or to the Aquarium or we could visit the Aquarium.

We decided to go to the Aquarium.

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Everything I know about love

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This morning I married a couple in a truly exquisite apartment in Mutual Heights in the middle of town. The couple – even better than the apartment. Only their mothers were with them. Their mothers were the ring bearers; their mothers threw basmati rice over them at the end of the ceremony; and their mothers were their witnesses.

I decided on which reading to do in the ceremony after meeting them. It begins, “this is everything I have to tell you about love” and then the bride, Sarah finished the sentence, “nothing“. She explained that her friend had sent her a voicenote last night, reading the piece and that had been the first time she’d ever heard it. Today was the second.

I took this photo on my phone while I mosied around the apartment, admiring it, after the signing.

(You may not be able to read the writing so here is a close up).

This afternoon I took Kit to the Camps Bay tidal pool. There, she collected shells for a girl of about 8 who lay across a giant blowup swan. The girl would decide whether she liked the shells or not (she had another minion, older than her, also collecting shells). The only known parameters for the shells were that they needed to be white or blue (beautiful brown shell? Don’t even bother). This requirement proved tricky to explain to Kit. I helped Kit along by handing her appropriate shells. Some were nevertheless rejected. Absolutely no leeway was granted for the fact that Kit is 14 months old. Swan girl either liked the shell or she didn’t – it didn’t matter who handed it to her; it didn’t matter if it met the brief. I respect that.

At the tidal pool, I got to swim too. I waded into the water, lifted Kit up in my arms and went under. Kit thought this quite funny.

This evening I got to sit on the couch with my wife.

Just before bed I had to trek to the garage to get my dodgy phone charger cord that has a USB (because I couldn’t use my normal charger because loadshedding and because, infuriatingly, my Samsung charger has some ‘fancy’ port – if that’s the right term – that is not a USB and so can’t fit into our inverter, which is not an inverter, it’s some small box that I forget the name of but keeps our wifi going). Point is, to get to the garage, I had to cross the courtyard where I looked up to a clear sky and Orion’s Belt.

It was a good day.

Goodnight.

P.S Maybe some of you haven’t read Neil Gaiman’s piece of writing before. For your convenience (as we used to write in corporate) please find it herewithbelow.

All I Know About Love by Neil Gaiman

This is everything I have to tell you about love: nothing.
This is everything I’ve learned about marriage: nothing.

Only that the world out there is complicated,
and there are beasts in the night, and delight and pain,
and the only thing that makes it okay, sometimes,
is to reach out a hand in the darkness and find another hand to squeeze,
and not to be alone.

It’s not the kisses, or never just the kisses: it’s what they mean.
Somebody’s got your back.
Somebody knows your worst self and somehow doesn’t want to rescue you
or send for the army to rescue them.

It’s not two broken halves becoming one.
It’s the light from a distant lighthouse bringing you both safely home
because home is wherever you are both together.

So this is everything I have to tell you about love and marriage: nothing,
like a book without pages or a forest without trees.

Because there are things you cannot know before you experience them.
Because no study can prepare you for the joys or the trials.
Because nobody else’s love, nobody else’s marriage, is like yours,
and it’s a road you can only learn by walking it,
a dance you cannot be taught,
a song that did not exist before you began, together, to sing.

And because in the darkness you will reach out a hand,
not knowing for certain if someone else is even there.
And your hands will meet,
and then neither of you will ever need to be alone again.

And that’s all I know about love.

 

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A Travesty on a Thursday

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Whoever (whomever?) brushes their teeth first must put toothpaste on the other person’s toothbrush. I thought this gesture was particular to Jess and I but I’ve married enough couples and spoken to enough couples about such small kindnesses that I know – it’s a thing. A common curtesy among lovers.

She who gets a snack must also get (or at least offer) a snack to her wife: Another rule in our household. The rule extends to drinks to and even water. This isn’t just among lovers – it’s just common decency. In our household, however, only one of us strictly abides by this rule. It is I.

Jess told me, after downing a glass of water – in.front.of.me – that “we’re fending for ourselves; that we’re in survival mode“. I reminded Jess that not only did I pack her lunch for work but breakfast and a snack too. Survival smival.

Jess conceded. I also reminded her that the other day she came upstairs with some salami, for herself – none in sight for me – and that on that very same day I had made her breakfast and left it outside her door.

I wish I could say there weren’t other instances. Whole sandwiches! Whole sandwiches made and eaten in front of me. The excuse there: “I didn’t know if you were hungry” – I was not home when one of these sandwiches was made. Pathetic excuse. Of course I want a sandwich.

On this Thursday, January 2023, Jess has sworn to be better. She came up to bed tonight and mentioned that there was a full glass of water downstairs for me. Better.

Photograph of the day: Kit’s awe in a tunnel of fish.

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Ordinary houses

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For my wedding, I chose the song, Crowded Table by The Highwomen. It was meant to be a surprise for Jess on the day. On the morning of our wedding, I was so anxious and so emotional (nothing to do with marrying Jess) that I kept pressing play on my “secret” “aisle” song. I write “aisle” because, of course, there was none – we got married on an wide open beach. “Secret” because Jess heard me push play and panic and try stop the song at least twice when I was showing a friend which song I wanted them to play on cue. For my sake, she pretended she didn’t hear it. Whenever I think of that small kindness – even on stressful days like today – it makes me smile.

In the song, there’s a line about a garden. It goes, “if we want a garden, we’re gonna have to sow the seed“. I led the ceremony at a wedding on 10 December with a similar message that came from a reading Jess and Brandon chose. It said, “The more wonderful the garden, the more skilled the gardener“.

I like gardening. I’m not very good at it. Yet. I want the plants to grow faster even though sometimes I forget to water them. Gardening is teaching me patience and consistency, and I have a long way to go.

At the back of our house, there are retainer blocks. I hate retainer blocks. I mean, ya, they retain and everything but I hate the way they look. So I’m trying to create a vertical garden to cover them. It’s slow going. It’s trial and error.

Since we were away for a near on a month, occasionally I imagined my vertical garden and what it might look like on my return. That’s one of my favorite things about returning home – seeing how much things have grown.

My vertical garden looked sad though. Dry. Thirsty. Barely showing improvement.

I’m back to watering it, trying to do it every day – even when the day doesn’t go to plan – even when the plan is obliterated.

A few weeks ago I read something on Instagram that struck a cord with me: Normalise ordinary houses. Non-magazine houses. Houses that families live in. Toys scattered. Washing on the line. Here’s my contribution: You should know that all these clothes are dry. You should know that I made no attempt to take them off the line. You should know that my vertical garden looks a lot better at this angle than it does straight-on. You should know that I hate these retainer blocks. You should know that I wish I had moved that damn dishcloth.

 

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The best readings for your wedding ceremony

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Most couples don’t have a list of poems and extracts from novels that they’ve been saving for their wedding ceremony so I thought I’d share some of my favorites. Before I delve into my favorites, I’m going to start with a few that aren’t, only because they are used – in my opinion – too often. In sharing them, I acknowledge that I go to A LOT of weddings and so I may have lost a bit of perspective. Just because I’ve heard one reading 20 times doesn’t mean you or your family and friends have. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on some of very beautiful words merely because I go to an inordinate amount of weddings (a fact that I delight in!). So here goes, the most popular readings;

An Excerpt from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernières

Love is a temporary madness.

It erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.

And when it subsides, you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together

that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness,

It is not excitement,

It is not the promulgation of eternal passion.

That is just being “in love” which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,

And this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,

And when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,

They find that they are one tree and not two.

On Love by Kahlil Gibran

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
     And he raised his head and looked upon
the people, and there fell a stillness upon
them. And with a great voice he said:
     When love beckons to you, follow him,
     Though his ways are hard and steep.
     And when his wings enfold you yield to
him,
     Though the sword hidden among his
pinions may wound you.
     And when he speaks to you believe in
him,
     Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
     For even as love crowns you so shall he
crucify you. Even as he is for your growth
so is he for your pruning.
     Even as he ascends to your height and
caresses your tenderest branches that quiver
in the sun,
     So shall he descend to your roots and
shake them in their clinging to the earth.
                                       •
     Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto
himself.
     He threshes you to make you naked.
     He sifts you to free you from your husks.
     He grinds you to whiteness.
     He kneads you until you are pliant;
     And then he assigns you to his sacred
fire, that you may become sacred bread for
God’s sacred feast.
     All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your
heart, and in that knowledge become a
fragment of Life’s heart.
     But if in your fear you would seek only
love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
     Then it is better for you that you cover
your nakedness and pass out of love’s
threshing-floor,
     Into the seasonless world where you
shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.
                                      •
     Love gives naught but itself and takes
naught but from itself.
     Love possesses not nor would it be
possessed;
     For love is sufficient unto love.
     When you love you should not say,
“God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am
in the heart of God.”
     And think not you can direct the course
of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,
directs your course.
     Love has no other desire but to fulfil
itself.
     But if you love and must needs have
desires, let these be your desires:
     To melt and be like a running brook
that sings its melody to the night.
     To know the pain of too much tenderness.
     To be wounded by your own under-
standing of love;
     And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
     To wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving;
     To rest at the noon hour and meditate
love’s ecstasy;
     To return home at eventide with grati-
tude;
     And then to sleep with a prayer for the
beloved in your heart and a song of praise
upon your lips.

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in] – e e Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Extract from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nanna came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?” 

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” 

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. 

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.” 

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” 

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Ane now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

“Love Sonnet 17” by Pablo Neruda

I don’t love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
Secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

“The Art of Marriage” by Wilferd A. Peterson

The little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day.

It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon,
it should continue through all the years.

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice,
but in the spirit of joy.

It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating
gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have wings of an angel.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.

It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.

It is finding room for the things of the spirit.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

“The Book of Love” by Stephin Merritt, featuring The Magnetic Fields

The book of love is long and boring. No one can lift the damn thing. It’s full of charts and facts, some figures and instructions for dancing.

But I, I love it when you read to me. And you, You can read me anything.

The book of love has music in it. In fact, that’s where music comes from. Some of it is just transcendental, Some of it is just really dumb.

But I, I love it when you sing to me. And you, You can sing me anything.

The book of love is long and boring, And written very long ago. It’s full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes, And things we’re all too young to know.

But I, I love it when you give me things. And you, You ought to give me wedding rings.

‘Oh, the Places You’ll Go’ by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to Great Places! You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, ‘I don’t choose to go there.’ With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up! You’ll be seeing great sights! You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t. Because, sometimes, you won’t.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3⁄4 percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains! So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So…get on your way!

‘The Little Prince’ by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

“What does that mean—’tame’?”

“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties.”

“Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret.”

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

“You are not at all like my rose,” he said. “As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”

And the roses were very much embarrassed.

“You are beautiful, but you are empty,” he went on. “One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you—the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.”

And he went back to meet the fox.

“Goodbye,” he said.

“Goodbye,” said the fox. “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

“What is essential is invisible to the eye,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”

“It is the time I have wasted for my rose—” said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

“Men have forgotten this truth,” said the fox. “But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose…”

“I am responsible for my rose,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

Sonnet 116 by William Shakespeare

‘Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.‘

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

I wanna be yours by John Cooper-Clarke

‘I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours

I wanna be your raincoat
for those frequent rainy days
I wanna be your dreamboat
when you want to sail away
Let me be your teddy bear
take me with you anywhere
I don’t care
I wanna be yours

I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out
I wanna be the electric heater
you’ll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion
hold your hair in deep devotion

Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
that’s how deep is my devotion.’

A lovely love story -Edward Monkton

‘The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice.

Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.

Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.

I like this Dinosaur, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

Although he is fierce, he is also tender and he is funny.

He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.

I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur.

She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.

She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.

But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

He is also overly fond of things.

Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?

But her mind skips from here to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur.

She is also uncommonly keen on shopping.

Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?

I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.

I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur.

For she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides,

I am not unkeen on shopping either.

Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old.

Look at them.

Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.

And that, my friends, is how it is with love.

Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.

For the sun is warm.

And the world is a beautiful place.'”

How Falling in Love is like Owning a Dog – Taylor Mali

First of all, it’s a big responsibility,
especially in a city like New York.
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
when you’re walking down the street late at night
and you have a leash on love
ain’t no one going to mess with you.
Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.
Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go out for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise. It will run you around the block
and leave you panting, breathless. Pull you in different directions
at once, or wind itself around and around you
until you’re all wound up and you cannot move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.

Touched by an Angel by Maya Angelou

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love’s light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

 

On Marriage – C.S.Lewis

“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

Having a Coke with You By Frank O’Hara

Having a Coke with you is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them I look at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully as the horse it seems they were all cheated of some marvellous experience which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

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The questions I ask every couple getting legally married in South Africa

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Without question, my favourite part of being a marriage officer is to hold space for beautiful loves and beautiful couples. It is, after all, one of the most important and happy days of their lives. Sometimes it’s just the two of them, their witnesses and I. Sometimes it’s the two of them and their closest 150 or so friends and family.

Regardless of how big or small the celebration, I consider it the greatest honour to marry couples, whether that be a quick and easy legal marriage in my home (or theirs); an intimate ceremony in one of Cape Town’s magnificent landscapes; or a grand hooray at a wine estate or somewhere just as extraordinary. Whatever the case, in my discussions with couples, I usually start with three important questions. Fair warning: These questions aren’t romantic or profound (that comes later) but they are practical and important. Let’s get to that first question ….

Are you and your partner South African citizens or permanent residents, with up-to-date SA IDs?

If the answer to this is yes. If one or both of you are foreign then we need to meet certain other requirements to get you married. I’ll cover this in another blog. For the SA citizens/residents, you can send me electronic copies of your IDs and bring your physical IDs on the day of your marriage.

NOTE: You don’t have to commission the copies because one of the perks of being a marriage officer is that I’m a commissioner of oaths. (As an aside, you’ll also be selecting two witnesses and I’ll need electronic copies of their IDs (if SA citizens) or passports (if foreign). Please let me know to bring these documents on the day of your marriage.

I always feel a little bad asking the next question because the last thing I want is for you to contemplate a previous marriage in the excitement in the lead up to marrying your love but, like I said above, it’s necessary and important. And, so, I have to ask:

Have either of you or both been married before?

If the answer is no, we can move to the next question.

If you have been married before, we need to file a divorce decree I lodge your marriage. You also need to send an sms to the number 32551 with an M followed by your ID number (only if you’re a SA citizen or permanent resident holder, of course). Don’t put a space between the M and your ID, so, for example, it would be M8601090225083. You should receive an automatic response from this Home Affairs service confirming your marital status as SINGLE, DIVORCED or MARRIED.

You may be wondering why this is important? I mean, you have the divorce decree so isn’t that proof enough that you’re divorced and can now marry your love?! Unfortunately, it’s not always the case. Unbeknownst to many, the court system and our home affairs system are not connected. A court order confirming your divorced status does not result in Home Affairs updating its system on their side. This can result in having a divorce decree but still being recorded as MARRIED at home affairs.

What now? You need to go into home affairs with your ID, a copy of it as well as your divorce decree and ask them to update their system to reflect your true status of DIVORCED. Here’s the really tricky part: marital statuses are only updated in Pretoria. If you ask a Home Affairs in Cape Town to change your status, it in turn sends the request through to Pretoria and there is a big lag time. Someone can wait up to a year for their status to change from MARRIED to DIVORCED. I know that seems like a very long time – it is! – but don’t shoot the messenger.

The slightly better news is that we can proceed to legally marry you with the caveat that we have to wait for your status to change from MARRIED to DIVORCED before lodging your marriage at Home Affairs. Practically that means you’ll need to keep checking your status and once it changes, you give me the signal and only then will I go to Home Affairs and lodge your marriage for them to register.

Unfortunately, the issue I’ve just described is quite a common problem. Many individuals presume that their lawyer will ensure their status is correctly reflected at Home Affairs or they presume the court records are connected to Home Affairs. Accordingly, it is best to check your marital status before we begin the process of discussing your marriage and wedding so we know what we’re dealing with. It’s also, of course, a good idea for those that have been divorced (and perhaps haven’t yet met the love of their life yet) to check their marital status is correctly reflected at Home Affairs so they won’t have to deal with this headache when they do meet their love (and you will!).

For those couples that do have to go through this ordeal, there is some reprieve in the fact that the date of your legal marriage will be reflected as the date we perform the ceremony. So, for example, say you got married on 20 February 2019 and, worst case scenario, had to wait until say February 2020 for your status at Home Affairs to change from MARRIED to DIVORCED. I pick up the baton here and lodge your marriage at Home Affairs in February 2020 to be registered. The date of marriage would still be cited as 20 February 2019 in Home Affairs’ records. In other words, you still get to choose your date even if other factors such as how long it’ll take for your status to change are beyond your control.

For those that have just trudged through the story of your status at Home Affairs, welcome back. Thanks for sticking around despite the somewhat disheartening news above! I’m sure when you send that sms, you’ll be waiting with bated breath for the response.

NOTE: More often than not Home Affairs’ system doesn’t send a response immediately. In truth, the system is rather sporadic. If you don’t get a response on the day you sent it, then try again the next day and then try again. If you’ve tried thrice (that sounds a bit pompous but I’m going with it) and still haven’t had any luck then reach out to me and I’ll try for you. For some unknown reason, my phone seems to get a response when others don’t. It’s not because I’m a marriage officer. Perhaps it’s because I’m Telkom’s only cellphone customer. I’ve given yup trying to figure out this anomaly but I’m glad I can often get the answers we need. The point is, I’m here to help if you need me.

And finally there’s the question that confounds a lot of couples and introduces a lot of questions:

Will you be signing an ante-nuptial contract? 

Let me start by explaining that in South African law the default position is that if you don’t sign an ante-nuptial contract (I’m going to refer to this as an ANC from here on out so don’t think I’m talking about the political party) then you will be married in community of property.

Why as a marriage officer do I need to raise the issue of an ANC with you? Because if you are going to execute an ANC, it needs to be done prior to your legal marriage. Now, it could be a few hours before your legal marriage (for the record, I don’t advise this but it must happen before). Trust me on this though: You don’t want to try register a post nuptial contract. In what seems like another life when I was an article clerk, I was involved in doing this for a client and it makes the above martial status issue seem like a walk in the park.

If you decide to execute an ante-nuptial contract, I don’t need to see the actual contract (I know it’s a personal and private document) – all I need is a letter from your attorney confirming that you indeed executed the contract.

Many of your reading this may be thinking, well in community of property is great – 50/50 – exactly what we want! I encourage you to keep reading though. While in community of property may seem very equitable and entirely what marriage is about, it is not without its issues. And that, lovers, is an understatement! While I am a qualified (albeit non-practising) attorney, I am not a notary and a notary is the expert you need to consult about an ANC.

A lot of couples view ante-nuptial contracts as planning for the end of a marriage but this is a narrow view of it. Ante-nuptial contracts can also protect you as a couple. For example, if you run a business and it gets into financial trouble, an ante-nuptial contract can protect you as a family by not allowing creditors to come after your partner’s assets. As I mentioned, I’m not a notary nor a practising attorney but I wanted to give you an example of why an ante-nuptial contract cannot solely be characterized as planning for a divorce.

Talking about finances and the implications of deciding to sign an ante-nuptial contract (or not to) is part of a healthy relationship, in my opinion. There are quite a lot of couples that discuss finances for the first time ever when talking to a notary about their options and while these conversations can be hard, I would argue that they’re aboslutely necessary. I’m not going to get into any further detail about the actual anti-nuptial contract except to say that there are various options at your disposal, including out of community of property and out of community of property with the accrual system.

It always sets me at ease to know that couples have entered an ante-nuptial contract (perhaps that’s the lawyer in me). I advise, at the very least, for couples to consult with a notary about their options so they understand their decisions and the implications of those decisions.

Some couples have a lawyer they have an existing relationship with – if so, ask them whether they’re a notary and able to assist with an ante-nuptial contract. Some couples are lost as to who to ask. If you need help, I do have someone that could assist you. By stating this, I’m not trying to up-sell (I think that’s a term), there is no benefit in it for me other than knowing you’ve spoken to a notary about your options. And that makes me sleep easy (so, I guess there is some benefit to me).

Okay, that’s it. These three “simple” questions seem to have run into quite a long blog which I didn’t intend but I’m hoping that this information will help you and flag a few hiccups that couples experience on their journey to get legally married. Since this post has been administratively heavy, in my next post I’ll be switching over to the other wonderful side of being a marriage officer: Creating personal and meaningful ceremonies.

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